THE ROSE REVIEW: Best

Top Ten Tips for a Tip Top Torso

2006-11-22T23:13:00.000-08:00

by Dr. Don Rose

--

Which do you want: a tip top torso, or a wide wobbly waist? Do you want to look like a Greek god in sandals, or get a big gut with large love-handles?

It gets harder to avoid the latter as we age; that’s why bloated bellies tend to be seen more often on older folks – like Boomers and seniors -- than on the younger set. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Anyone at any age can have a great looking bod, and not fear their rear, if one follows some exercise and eating rules of thumb. The rules presented below offer ideas on how to get fit and fight fat – something especially useful around holiday time, when calories tend to tempt us time and time again. The modern middle-aged male’s midsection is often more massive than it should be, which can mean many medical maladies if not modified. The good news: most midsections can be trimmed and tightened with time, through tenacity and tried-and-true techniques.

1. Moving Morning: move your workouts to the A.M. if possible -- the earlier the better. Early exercise increases the metabolism, which stays high for several hours afterwards. Benefits of getting your body moving early: more calories burned during the rest of the day and your appetite tends to decrease for a few hours after a workout.

2. Big Breakfast: eat more in the morning (and at lunch) than in the evening. Not only will this get your metabolism going, but you also have all day to burn off “early calories.” Think of your ideal daily calorie intake as an inverted triangle -- more in the morn, tapering off till twilight.

3. Welcome Water: try to drink at least 8 glasses (cups) a day, if possible. Besides the many benefits from the water itself, drinking water before a meal makes you feel fuller and hence you are less likely to overeat. Everyone’s needs are different, of course, but the common maxim says to drink 8 cups a day for optimal health. (Note: urine color indicates whether you need more or less H20; a deeper darker color means you probably need more water.) Tip: try drinking 1 or 2 cups upon waking, before you do anything else; my friend said her friend lost several pounds via this tip alone.

4. Healthy Half: some folks have lost pounds by eating and drinking whatever items they want, but half the usual amount. By doing this, you’re not denying yourself any particular food or beverage – but half the portion means half the calories, which helps you lose weight. For example, one might eat a sandwich with only one side of the bun. (This not only halves the bun calories, but less bread means less carbs -- so it’s a double salvo in your weight loss war.) You also stretch your food budget twice as far.

5. Ditch Dessert: a variant on the previous rule, where you eat whatever you want, with one restriction. In Rule 4, the single restriction was halving portion size; in this rule, it is eliminating any item that is sweet (that is, items with sugar, since sugar is dense with calories). Combining Rules 4 and 5 can be especially effective.

6. Best Buddies: it’s often helpful to have a buddy (or significant other) following the same or similar rules and routines as you -- for support, and to compare notes. Your buddy may discover a useful technique, trick or tip you didn’t think of (or vice versa).

7. More Meals: eat more often, but less per meal. This keeps the metabolism constantly in high gear to burn off calories. Try to keep the smallest meals (i.e., snacks) healthy, too. Using this rule along with Rule 4 can be a sensible combination. For example, instead of 3 or 4 “normal portion” meals per day (breakfast, lunch, dinner and an occasional late supper/snack), try eating 6 to 8 small meals, each at half a “normal portion” or less. This keeps you feeling full and your metabolism high all day. If possible, reduce portion size as the day goes on (see Rule 2).

8. Food Focus: paying attention to what you eat can pay big dividends. First, you’ll enjoy your meal more, since your increased attention will lead you to savor the eating process. Second, the seconds will seem like minutes the more you focus on what you are eating; it will seem like you are eating for a longer time. Third, you will end your eating earlier, because you’ll be aware of the onset of “feeling full” faster – which means less calories taken in, and the gift of extra time to do other things. It’s win win win. Combining this rule with Rule 4 can be effective; the more you truly focus, the more your “half portion” will seem as filling as your former “full portion.”

9. Ending Eating: evening calories are less likely to get burned off that day, and eating right before bed can lead to heartburn or restless sleep, so try to consume less at night (as touched on in Rule 2). Ideally, stop consuming calories at a set time each night. For example, no food after 8pm. Make a rule and stick to it – whatever works for you. The goal: put as many hours as you can between “last bite” and “good night.”

10. Sound Sleep: sleep is when muscles repair, and in general the body uses this time to heal itself. Make sure you get enough hours of shuteye each evening (most people need around 8 hours per night). They don’t call it “beauty sleep” for nothing!

Refer back to these rules when you need to remind yourself of some good habits to follow. These rules are by no means exhaustive, but I hope they provide a general roadmap that will take you closer to your final destination: a fine, fit physique.

If you find it hard to remember all of the information presented above, here is a closing two-line poem that may help, summarizing the rules in ultra-brief form:

Work out mornings, more food early. Focus, buddy; half, no sweet.
8 cups water, 8 food servings. 8 o’clock stop, 8 hours sleep.

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The information provided here is, to the best of our knowledge, reliable and accurate. However, while The Rose Review strives to provide true, precise and consistent information, we cannot guarantee 100 percent accuracy. Readers are encouraged to gather more information before drawing conclusions and making decisions.

Dr. Don Rose writes books, papers and articles on many topics, including computers, the Internet, artificial intelligence, science and technology, and issues related to seniors.

This article is sponsored by Life Alert -- for more information about its emergency response services and other benefits for seniors nationwide, please visit the following websites:
http://www.lifealert.com
http://www.seniorprotection.com
http://www.911seniors.com

###

These Are A Few Of My 2005 Favorite Things

2006-01-04T15:50:00.000-08:00

article by Don Rose

Maybe, in the holiday rush, you forgot to get a gift for the most important person in your life -- you. Or maybe you want to get something good because your "friends" gave you gifts you can't really treasure -- like the William Hung "She Bangs" Singing iDoll, with Adjustable Offkeyness. Or maybe the best gift is something from the Three Great F categories: Fun, Fulfilling, or Free. Whatever the reason, no matter the season, here are Dr. Don's 2005 Favorite Things.

...Photo Crazed. They turn your photos into high-end Pop Artwork. Take regular ole pix, and transform them into AndyWarholesque or Lichtensteinian creations, without having to shell out millions of dollars and wait forever for a busy, famous artist to make it for you! I like it. Heck, isn't the expanding of Pop Art techniques to cover all people, pets and things the ultimate democratization of that art form, its ideal evolution? If Warhol's works of the 60's/70's showed how anything and anyone in pop culture can become the subject of art, Photo Crazed completes the vision -- and proves that (here in the OhOh decade) anycat, anymom and anypop can be pop art as well. Great service. See www.photocrazed.com .

..."Eye for an Eye", excellent show hosted by Kato Kaelin that makes you think between the laughs. Imagine a wacky kinda Peoples Court where winners get revenge in lieu of money. Or two parties must battle it out in creative (sometimes crazy) ways to decide who wins a case, when the judge deems this a better way to resolve a dispute (example: a courtroom battle between a man and his ex over custody of an engagement ring segues into them dueling as human pinatas). I could explain further, but better you check out this totally awesome show yourself, on WB channel 5 in LA, back to back shows 2pm to 3pm.

..."Eight Characters of Comedy". Book by acting coach Scott Sedita is a Hollywood “How-To” guide with an intriguing premise: 8 character archetypes exist for every situation comedy, which can help actors and writers find who their characters really are, and form a firm foundation on which to build. It's also fun to look at your favorite shows and figure out which characters map onto which archetypes. Ideal for those wanting to break into sitcoms, meaning 90 percent of Los Angeles, and 100 percent of Studio City. But seriously, it's funny. And fun. See www.sitcomacting.com .

..."The Dick Cavett Show" DVD boxsets. Ray Charles, John Lennon and Yoko Ono, and Rock Icons are the subjects of 3 multi-DVD packages released in 2005 from the vaults of "The Dick Cavett Show" (assuming anyone even uses vaults anymore, except maybe Vault Disney -- although "video dungeon" doesn't really cut it either). TDCS was one of the great TV talkers of the 60s-70s; what other guy could talk to Woody one minute, then have the Stones or Bowie bowing the next? Wonderful collections... guaranteed regifting-proof. Take a trip back to when music actually had melody. (If you asked "what's that", just move along.)

...Napster. Their latest software works well, even on dialup connections (minimal buffering time), features a very intuitive interface, plus discounts when you buy in bulk, and no buck-a-song if you go "all you can eat" (9.95/month for basic). Plus, do the math: if you normally buy a CD a month anyway, at 9.95 or more a pop, imagine if that CD came with a million other songs for free; great deal. If you prefer a tune or two at a time, iTunes may be a better bang for your buck. But if you really hunger for music, Napster lets you feast on great music for minimal sheckels. More info at www.napster.com .

..."I Love LA". Speaking of great music, this Randy Newman tune still holds up. I defy you to listen and not feel in a better mood afterwards. Note: having a big nasty redhead at your side adds to the effect.

...Louise's Trattoria. One of the reasons I love LA. Great pasta dishes, and more -- on Pico, Montana, and other locations. Also amazing: their focaccia bread. Note: having a big nasty redhead at your side adds to the effect. More on Louise's at www.louises.com .

...StealthSurfer II. Thumb-sized storage drive lets you surf the Web with anonymity from any computer; enables 100-percent secure and encrypted wireless Web browsing, so you can peruse your porn in peace. SS2's privacy features keep surfers safe from identity theft, phishing and pharming spam attacks (and phreaks named Phred). Ideal for anyone who uses their laptop wirelessly in a public hotspot. The tiny USB 2.0 drive plugs into the USB port of your computer. Available in memory configurations of 128-megabytes to one-gigabyte, $99 up, SS2 is pre-loaded with privacy protection tools: Firefox (browser alternative to Internet Explorer); Anonymizer Anonymous Surfing (safeguards a user's identity and Internet activities); RoboForm (one-click form-fill and user ID/password management); and Thunderbird (portable email). See www.stealthsurfer.com .

..."FREE 411". Call 800-FREE411, get numbers at no charge; they even connect you (yes, FREE) if you stay on the line, saving time and money at the same time. Wow. A deal this good may not last, so jump on it. Their website enables number searching too: www.free411.com .

..."TELL ME". Free service, 800-555TELL. Many free voice-activated features, like Driving Directions: tell it start and end locations, it says turn by turn directions. Other favorite free services from their Main Menu include Time (for any time zone), Blackjack (against a dealer who sounds a lot like Sean Connery), and News. Did I mention it is all free?

Note that, for the record, I am not getting paid to say nice things about any of these favorite things, I just like them -- and besides, letting a company pay your mortgage and Lexus lease and throw wild parties for you with newly single Jessica Simpson in your new hot tub is not considered "payment", right? Good. My congressman said the same thing. Happy new gear!

--------------
Don Rose is Editor In Chief of “The Rose Review”, an online magazine available at www.therosereview.com . He also serves as writer and editor for “New News Network”, at trrnnn.blogspot.com . He may be reached at ddrose@aol.com .

(ESSAY) MINDING THE MIND, Part 1: "I'll Shun Illusion"

2005-10-03T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'll Shun Illusion: Cunningly Shunning, or Running From The Stunning Truth?

by Dr. Don Rose

I used to think it was bad to live in a world of illusion. Always reading science fiction, watching TV, playing games, playing music, writing, inventing, living so totally in the world of ideas -- those created by my mind or others -- escaping from my mind in various ways via various media.

What about the real me, spending some time getting to know him?
Should I pay a visit in there, get back to reality?
Maybe time to get real, make it real?
People say they want to do that all the time, or feel they should.

Never mind.

I am questioning that view now.
Think about this thought: maybe there IS no reality that we can ever really know.
Maybe all we EVER have is an illusion to live in, based somewhat on the so-called reality we inhabit.
If so, why quest for the impossible by trying to "get real"?

Marvelous mind maven Marvin Minsky, in his fine thought-provoking afterword to the Vernor Vinge story "True Names", notes that when we humans brag of being self-aware, we might want to think again. Are we really so aware? What are we aware of? In most cases, not that much. There is a lot we dont understand about how parts of us work, we just operate the machine -- like how we drive a car without needing to know how it all works in every detail.

Minsky is right. There is a seemingly infinite assortment of facts and details about how we operate that we don't know, yet don't need to know in order to live our lives. We don't know that much about the many processes going on subconsciously inside us, most of that stuff operates on autopilot.

(Of course, doctors or biologists do know a lot more than most mortal men about such things, yes, perhaps one can say they are more selfaware. But even they don't know everything of what is going on at a deeper level ---- that is for physicists to know, but they don't know everything about the biological level like doctors, and so on).

We are only really aware that we sort of know our beliefs and the sensory data we are gathering and that we seem to have continuity of thoughts from day to day --- we only know the tip of the iceberg of our potential self knowledge.

On top of all this, our data is often skewed, incorrect, or processed poorly (think drunk, or don't pay attention due to thinking of something else, and the data we take in can be altered on the way to our mind, or even ignored --- have you ever driven to work and then pondered how you didn't pay attention the entire way, like you were driving on autopilot?).

My point is that we are always living in an illusion.
Reality is abstracted in our minds so we can deal with it; we would be overwhelmed if we had to consciously process every little thing every day -- hence, abstraction plays a useful, even vital, role.

But if we can admit our world is an abstraction we create in order to survive and thrive, is it really so bad, or unnatural, to simply live a little more in the abstract? And then a little more?
Will a fully-VR world eventually prove to be a perfectly fine place to live, as long as the dirtywork of reality is taken care of by our bodily autopilots --- plus, perhaps, software or machines?

There I go again. Living in the world of ideas.

Just like you.

We are all abstraction-making goal-creating problem-solving dealing-with-skewed-imperfect-data biomachines.

Reality? That is out there, or in here, somewhere, maybe.
Something for our bodies to figure out and deal with (and we will develop more and more ways of helping our bodies deal with it, so we can more and more live in the mental realm).
This may be our future, for those who want to continue on the curve of increasingly living in the pure abstract, not pure fact -- assuming facts even really exist.

For those who just want to "keep it real",
good luck finding and proving absolute reality.
I think it will prove absolutely impossible.
Really.

GOT GOETHE?

2005-09-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

Quote of Note i wish i Wrote:

Everything has been thought before, but the problem is to think of it again. ------Goethe

What a terrific tip... think things that time-tested thinkers thought. Gotta give Goethe credit. Which I am, right here... telling this taut thought. Stop me before I get infinitely loopy.

But yes, I believe this can prove valuable, such as after certain lines of valid research are abandoned, only to be rediscovered and turned into great discoveries at a later, more fitting epoch (see Mendel and the history of genetics for one example).

On the other hand, maybe Goethe was just saying plagiarism rocks.

You decide.
Either way, it's still a terrific thought. I think.

By the way, anagram fans,
GOETHE rearranged spells THE EGO, and GO THEE.
Discuss.

SWEEPSTAKES RULE REVEALS SECRET U.S. FEAR OF CANADA

2005-09-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

The following is from an online sweepstakes list of rules, a direct quote, I kid you not:

"Canadian residents, to win, must first correctly answer, unaided, a time-limited mathematical skill testing question administered by mail. "

I am still floored by this line.
This sounds so much like a joke I almost wonder if it was meant as such.
But there is no sign of humor anywhere else in this contest's rules!
So I assume it is real, and thus I am not going to mention the company doing this contest.
I don't want to embarrass them!

Or maybe, instead of me worrying about who I embarrass, perhaps I'm a dumbass.
Maybe I am missing something?
I mean, now I really would love to know why this stipulation was deemed necessary!

Maybe it is the constant stream of comedic actors who have dominated our movie industry for years (Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Dan Ackroyd, John Candy, Martin Short)? Maybe they have led to such fear of being taken over by our neighbors from the north that we have to impose artificial barriers on all Canucks?

If anyone out there knows why this Canadian test is needed, please please enlighten me!

MAR.3, EVENT REVIEW: Planned Parenthood Food Fare 2005

2005-03-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

PPLA's Famous Food Fare Delivers Once Again, Tantalizing Tinseltown Tastebuds

by Don Rose

(Santa Monica CA: March 3, 2005) More than 150 of Los Angeles' best restaurants, caterers, wineries, florists, and entertainers gathered at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium for Planned Parenthood Los Angeles' (PPLA's) always-popular Food Fare, one of the agency's largest annual fundraisers. Started in 1979, Food Fare has become the oldest and one of the most recognized food events in L.A. FF'05 enabled restaurant enthusiasts, Planned Parenthood supporters and the general public to sample the finest food and drink that L.A. has to offer, all in one place. Among the hundreds who attended were celebs such as director John Landis ("Animal House", "Blues Brothers") and former-DA-now-hot-photog Gil Garcetti.

Restaurant critic, author, and radio host Merrill Shindler has said that "...for sheer culinary pleasure, there's nothing like the Planned Parenthood Food Fare -- a tribute to the tasty culinary diversity of LA!" And the Food Dude is, as always, correct. Some of this reporter's faves included perennial participant Pink's (with several varieties of Hot Dogs, and even Ms. Pink there herself, wearing -- what else -- a pink jacket)... The Republic of Tea (among the best ice tea in a bottle I have ever tasted -- I especially love their Peach -- healthy, crisp taste)... Dandy Don's delectable ice cream... Daily Grill's excellent Caesar Salad and Peach Cobbler... and James Beach's French Toast (I assume that wacky Freedom Toast name phase has passed by now, so I can go by the real name without fear of being Bushwhacked? Good...... -- actually, this restaurant's "Coast Toast" is made with two-inch thick California sourdough bread smothered in pure maple syrup, so popular it ran out). One of the nice features of PPLA's Food Fare is that, James Beach notwithstanding, the food and drink rarely runs out before the event ends, something not every food fest can claim.

In addition to offering great cuisine, Food Fare featured a silent auction with arts and crafts, vacation packages, sporting and entertainment event tickets, fine art from local artists, and gift certificates from L.A.’s best restaurants. Plus, as they do every year, PPLA provided a booth with useful literature, cute bumperstickers ("Don't Just Do It", one implores) and free condoms for all.

Food Fare raises funds to support PPLA’s health care services, responsible sex education, and advocacy programs. Last year’s Food Fare drew more than 1,600 people and raised $500,000 for the agency. Food Fare is produced by the Planned Parenthood Los Angeles Guild, a group of 200 women who are dedicated to providing financial and volunteer support for PPLA. Since the group’s inception more than 20 years ago, the Guild has raised over $5 million for PPLA.

About Planned Parenthood Los Angeles

PPLA is the largest provider of reproductive health care services in Los Angeles County. It provides clinical services to more than 61,000 people a year, 87% of whom come to the agency for birth control and 97% of whom require some financial assistance for their care. PPLA outreach programs deliver sexuality and family planning education to nearly 115,000 teens, women and men a year. Through the Planned Parenthood Los Angeles County Advocacy Project, the agency is also a leading advocate for reproductive rights.

To get a jump on next year's tickets, see www.pplosangeles.org or call 310-395-0098.

NEW SHOW! DISCOVERY CHANNEL PRESENTS "MONSTER GENETIC ENGINEERING LAB"

2005-02-04T06:12:00.000-08:00

In this spinoff to the monster hit "Monster Garage", Jesse and the gang create new, amazing freaks of nature from existing flora and fauna, using only primitive DNA recombination machines, pliers, and a lot of elbow grease. Killer turtles, flying sloths, man-eating asparagus, giant fleas infested with tiny dogs -- nothing is too bizarre for this crew! Thursdays at 9, after "Trading Species".

NNN:JAN26,2005 - "FAHRENHEIT 9/11", "DEM JEW BASTARDS KILLED CHRIST" SNUBBED BY OSCAR(tm)(sm)(r)(:-)

2005-01-26T23:49:00.000-08:00

MOORE FILM ONLY GETS "BEST TEMPERATURE" NOMINATION; GIBSON DEBUTS "CHRIST: SECOND COMING SOON" PROMO FOR PRESS

Michael Moore, outraged at the oversight by the world's biggest awards show, vowed to change their minds by going on a hunger strike "for as long as it takes, or 15 minutes, whichever comes first". Jennifer Garner garnered no noms as well. Mel Gibson, whose "Christ" film received few Oscolades, said he didn't care, since he will make a mint from his upcoming sequel, "Christ Forgives Dem Bloody Jew Bastards For Stiffing The Last Supper Tip". (Mel told TRR he'd love to give a full interview, but he's busy putting final touches on his "Abbott and Costello Meet The Three Stooges Meet The Four Seasons On Mars" remake). In a related story, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to drop the "and Sciences" part of their name, citing the fact that most scientists left the organization years ago.

NNN:JAN20,2005 - BUSH SWORN IN; PROMISES TO SPREAD LIBERTY, UPHOLD MORAL VALUES, KILL MORE TOWELHEADS

2005-01-20T23:42:00.000-08:00

exclusive NNN team coverage of the Inaugural coronation

The President outlined several key proposals for his second term, which W dubbed "The Bush Push". This Push must be passed, he said, "not just 'cause I think it's a just cause, but 'cause the Lord just told me it's a just cause". His broad and ambitious list of action items include:

* Operation Here We Go Again:
The Search for Nukes In Iran
* Reducing Taxes
* Expanding Texas
* Privatizing Social Security
* Privatizing Homeland Security
* Privatizing Iraqi Prison Security
* Ban on Gay Marriage
* Ban on Gay Dating
* Ban on Gay Flirting
* Ban on Gay Handshakes
* Ban on Stem Cell Phone Research
* Ban on Teaching Evolution
except when it harms the health of the teacher
* Ban on the Democratic Party

This last point raised the most eyebrows. Democrats responded vehemently, immediately forming a commission, and telling the press they will balk feverishly at this agenda item, perhaps using a filibuster. However, they say there may still be room for compromise, and do not wish to step on any toes.

New technology is also on the President's second term agenda. High on his wish list, said Bush, is the "Democracy Wand", which, once waived over a nation, will transform it into a democratic society. It is believed to be several years away from fruition. Mr. Bush also called for increased funding for NASA, to search for Christian life on Mars.

In perhaps his most memorable phrase, The President also introduced a bold new Bush Doctrine: "America can do unto others whatever we wish to do unto them". Later in the speech, he stated the Doctrine another way: "We shall do unto others before they do unto us".

Bush also reached out to black voters, on this Martin Luther King holiday week, by launching his new "I Have A Dream House" initiative, providing credits to black citizens to help them buy their first home, provided they first prove their Christian faith by living for a year as a white man's slave. "After such proof of their faith in Jesus, we shall verily provide bountiful tax credits to help such people of color buy a dream house" -- where, the President joked, "they may be fruitful and, God willing, not multiply too much".

Other speech highlights included a long-anticipated call for a National Jew Not Call List... proposed tax relief for those making over $100,000 a year who have suffered too great a reduction in tax... and a bill that would seek Reparations for millionaires who lost money in the "sinful stock market crash". Homeland security was also addressed: after invoking the phrase "9/11" a record 58 times, Bush proposed that airlines adopt a Facial Color Alert system, "inspired by" the current color-coded danger level system now in place, which most experts agree has saved countless millions of lives.

To help the economy stay "strong and vibrant", Mr. Bush proposed that Congress enact a monthly shopping day called "Christmall", in order to "stimulate our New Economy every New Moon". Intended as a monthly "Christmas Lite", Christmall will, according to the President, have a different theme each month -- January: buy gifts for black friends, February, buy gifts for all those we love, March, buy gifts for Irish friends, April, buy gifts for friends who didn't get a tax refund, May, buy memorial gifts for those friends who have family that died in war, June, buy gifts for those just married, July, buy gifts for your most patriotic friends, and so on.

Although new programs was his main focus, Bush also insisted he will reduce the massive, record-breaking, back-breaking deficit. The President's top cost cutting proposal: move our boys from Iraq right over to Iran for the next war, without wasting funds on bringing them home and then shipping 'em out again. "Imagine the savings!" Bush quipped, which led ailing Chief Justice Rehnquist to laugh so hard he had to be removed on a stretcher.

Despite the Rehnquist flap, it was a passionate and moving 20 minute speech, according to the Christian campaign contributors in attendance. In wrapping up, Bush thanked members of his base and other supporters that helped him ride to "a massive 53 percent majority mandate" -- including conservative Christians, evangelical Christians, and God. Condoleeza Rice and Leeza Gibbons then sang a duet version of "Let The Eagle Soar", outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft's touching song of freedom, as 1000 bald eagles and endangered condors were let loose over the throngs of crying Christians. All in all, it was $14 million well spent, indeed.

BEST FAMOUS-LAST-WORDS SITE + BEST DYING LINES

2005-01-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

by Don Rose

I truly enjoyed the BRAIN CANDY webpage on famous dying words -- and I'd like to give kudos to some of the best lines, uttered by a few famous folks as they were becoming dearly departed:

BEST IRONY

Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
~~ John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

BEST "FIGHT TO THE END" LINE

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

BEST TENSION-CUTTING JOKE

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

BEST GREEDY BASTARD

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

BEST IRONY, RUNNERUP

I can't sleep.
~~ James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937

BEST ARROGANT YET AFFABLE LINE

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942

BEST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

LEAST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
~~ Johannes Brahms, composer, d. April 3, 1897

SCARIEST LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
Dying of tuberculosis.
~~ Frederic Chopin, composer, d. October 16, 1849

BEST TOUGHGUY JOKE

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

BEST USE OF ONE'S PROFESSION IN A DYING ROLE

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

BEST PRECURSOR TO MONTY PYTHON

I am still alive!
Stabbed to death by his own guards - (as reported by Roman historian Tacitus)
~~ Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, d.41 AD

BEST ATTEMPT TO AVOID HEAVEN

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

BEST OFFER

All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603

BEST PROOF THAT FEELINGS ARE NOT THAT RELIABLE

I've never felt better.
~~ Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, d. December 12, 1939

BEST QUIP FROM A SCIENCE GENIUS

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

BEST SUMMARY JUDGEMENT

I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959

BEST "HUH?"

A dying man can do nothing easy.
~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790

BEST LEGEND KNOWING HE'S A LEGEND LINE

I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967

BEST USE OF MODESTY

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

BEST LINE THAT WAS REWRITTEN INTO A CLASSIC

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
When asked if he thought dying was tough.
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959

BEST IRONY, PART THREE

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

BEST LACK OF POSTHUMOUS EMBELLISHMENT

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

BEST LEARY STATEMENT DEPARTING

Why not? Yeah.
~~ Timothy Leary, d. May 31, 1996

BEST PATRIOTIC PARTING

Is it the Fourth?
~~ Thomas Jefferson, US President, d. July 4, 1826

BEST COMING FULL CIRCLE

I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953

BEST REFUSAL TO UTTER LAST WORDS (a.k.a. BEST PARADOX)

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

BEST PARADOX, RUNNERUP

I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885

(What I HOPED Vic had said:
"I feel less miserable"
After being given some medicine)

And now... what you've all been dying for...
The Rose Review's pick for the ultimate last line...

BEST DYING LINE EVER

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900

NNN:SEP15,2004 - OPRAH LAUNCHES NEW SEASON BY GIVING ENTIRE STUDIO AUDIENCE BRAND NEW PONTIAC CARS WITHOUT ENGINES

2004-09-15T08:04:00.000-07:00

The cheers and tears of a few hundred ecstatic audience members quickly morphed into jeers and sneers when they finally tried to start their new cars. "Well, what did you ungrateful losers expect?" said the popular TV talkshow host, who has been inspiring and educating viewers since the mid-80's. "You got an f-ing car, isn't that enough? You think engines grow on trees? Do I have to do everything for you pathetic whiners?" Pontiac had no comment, except to say that their mechanics are the only ones truly trained to put in Pontiac engines, and going to a third party may save money now "but won't in the long run".

NNN:SEP15,1957 - TONIGHT SHOW HOST JACK PAAR LAUNCHES NEW SEASON BY GIVING ENTIRE STUDIO AUDIENCE BRAND NEW EDSELS

1999-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

A swell crowd of 200 college profs, writers and hipsters exploded into cries of "Neato!", "Peachy!" and "Oh Boy!" when they realized the TV talkshow daddy-o had, through the magic of product placement and sweeps-week promotion, given them all new cars. "You all now own Edsels, I kid you not!", said the popular talker. Paar, who inspired and educated viewers on several other programs before taking over the Tonight Show this year, said "This is not a ratings stunt. I kid you not. But if this freebie thing goes over well, we may give out similar items next year -- like free drive-in tickets, free letter sweaters, free Lucky Strikes, free bowling balls, and who knows, maybe even free "I Hate Commies" brand nuclear bunkers".