THE ROSE REVIEW: Best

by Don Rose

I truly enjoyed the BRAIN CANDY webpage on famous dying words -- and I'd like to give kudos to some of the best lines, uttered by a few famous folks as they were becoming dearly departed:

BEST IRONY

Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
~~ John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)

BEST "FIGHT TO THE END" LINE

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

BEST TENSION-CUTTING JOKE

Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

BEST GREEDY BASTARD

How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891

BEST IRONY, RUNNERUP

I can't sleep.
~~ James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937

BEST ARROGANT YET AFFABLE LINE

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942

BEST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827

LEAST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
~~ Johannes Brahms, composer, d. April 3, 1897

SCARIEST LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS

The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
Dying of tuberculosis.
~~ Frederic Chopin, composer, d. October 16, 1849

BEST TOUGHGUY JOKE

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

BEST USE OF ONE'S PROFESSION IN A DYING ROLE

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

BEST PRECURSOR TO MONTY PYTHON

I am still alive!
Stabbed to death by his own guards - (as reported by Roman historian Tacitus)
~~ Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, d.41 AD

BEST ATTEMPT TO AVOID HEAVEN

Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977

BEST OFFER

All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603

BEST PROOF THAT FEELINGS ARE NOT THAT RELIABLE

I've never felt better.
~~ Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, d. December 12, 1939

BEST QUIP FROM A SCIENCE GENIUS

I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988

BEST SUMMARY JUDGEMENT

I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959

BEST "HUH?"

A dying man can do nothing easy.
~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790

BEST LEGEND KNOWING HE'S A LEGEND LINE

I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967

BEST USE OF MODESTY

I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519

BEST LINE THAT WAS REWRITTEN INTO A CLASSIC

Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
When asked if he thought dying was tough.
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959

BEST IRONY, PART THREE

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864

BEST LACK OF POSTHUMOUS EMBELLISHMENT

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923

BEST LEARY STATEMENT DEPARTING

Why not? Yeah.
~~ Timothy Leary, d. May 31, 1996

BEST PATRIOTIC PARTING

Is it the Fourth?
~~ Thomas Jefferson, US President, d. July 4, 1826

BEST COMING FULL CIRCLE

I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953

BEST REFUSAL TO UTTER LAST WORDS (a.k.a. BEST PARADOX)

Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883

BEST PARADOX, RUNNERUP

I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885

(What I HOPED Vic had said:
"I feel less miserable"
After being given some medicine)

And now... what you've all been dying for...
The Rose Review's pick for the ultimate last line...

BEST DYING LINE EVER

Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900