Wednesday, January 26, 2005
NNN:JAN26,2005 - "FAHRENHEIT 9/11", "DEM JEW BASTARDS KILLED CHRIST" SNUBBED BY OSCAR(tm)(sm)(r)(:-)
MOORE FILM ONLY GETS "BEST TEMPERATURE" NOMINATION; GIBSON DEBUTS "CHRIST: SECOND COMING SOON" PROMO FOR PRESS
Michael Moore, outraged at the oversight by the world's biggest awards show, vowed to change their minds by going on a hunger strike "for as long as it takes, or 15 minutes, whichever comes first". Jennifer Garner garnered no noms as well. Mel Gibson, whose "Christ" film received few Oscolades, said he didn't care, since he will make a mint from his upcoming sequel, "Christ Forgives Dem Bloody Jew Bastards For Stiffing The Last Supper Tip". (Mel told TRR he'd love to give a full interview, but he's busy putting final touches on his "Abbott and Costello Meet The Three Stooges Meet The Four Seasons On Mars" remake). In a related story, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to drop the "and Sciences" part of their name, citing the fact that most scientists left the organization years ago.
Michael Moore, outraged at the oversight by the world's biggest awards show, vowed to change their minds by going on a hunger strike "for as long as it takes, or 15 minutes, whichever comes first". Jennifer Garner garnered no noms as well. Mel Gibson, whose "Christ" film received few Oscolades, said he didn't care, since he will make a mint from his upcoming sequel, "Christ Forgives Dem Bloody Jew Bastards For Stiffing The Last Supper Tip". (Mel told TRR he'd love to give a full interview, but he's busy putting final touches on his "Abbott and Costello Meet The Three Stooges Meet The Four Seasons On Mars" remake). In a related story, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to drop the "and Sciences" part of their name, citing the fact that most scientists left the organization years ago.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
NNN:JAN20,2005 - BUSH SWORN IN; PROMISES TO SPREAD LIBERTY, UPHOLD MORAL VALUES, KILL MORE TOWELHEADS
exclusive NNN team coverage of the Inaugural coronation
The President outlined several key proposals for his second term, which W dubbed "The Bush Push". This Push must be passed, he said, "not just 'cause I think it's a just cause, but 'cause the Lord just told me it's a just cause". His broad and ambitious list of action items include:
* Operation Here We Go Again:
The Search for Nukes In Iran
* Reducing Taxes
* Expanding Texas
* Privatizing Social Security
* Privatizing Homeland Security
* Privatizing Iraqi Prison Security
* Ban on Gay Marriage
* Ban on Gay Dating
* Ban on Gay Flirting
* Ban on Gay Handshakes
* Ban on Stem Cell Phone Research
* Ban on Teaching Evolution
except when it harms the health of the teacher
* Ban on the Democratic Party
This last point raised the most eyebrows. Democrats responded vehemently, immediately forming a commission, and telling the press they will balk feverishly at this agenda item, perhaps using a filibuster. However, they say there may still be room for compromise, and do not wish to step on any toes.
New technology is also on the President's second term agenda. High on his wish list, said Bush, is the "Democracy Wand", which, once waived over a nation, will transform it into a democratic society. It is believed to be several years away from fruition. Mr. Bush also called for increased funding for NASA, to search for Christian life on Mars.
In perhaps his most memorable phrase, The President also introduced a bold new Bush Doctrine: "America can do unto others whatever we wish to do unto them". Later in the speech, he stated the Doctrine another way: "We shall do unto others before they do unto us".
Bush also reached out to black voters, on this Martin Luther King holiday week, by launching his new "I Have A Dream House" initiative, providing credits to black citizens to help them buy their first home, provided they first prove their Christian faith by living for a year as a white man's slave. "After such proof of their faith in Jesus, we shall verily provide bountiful tax credits to help such people of color buy a dream house" -- where, the President joked, "they may be fruitful and, God willing, not multiply too much".
Other speech highlights included a long-anticipated call for a National Jew Not Call List... proposed tax relief for those making over $100,000 a year who have suffered too great a reduction in tax... and a bill that would seek Reparations for millionaires who lost money in the "sinful stock market crash". Homeland security was also addressed: after invoking the phrase "9/11" a record 58 times, Bush proposed that airlines adopt a Facial Color Alert system, "inspired by" the current color-coded danger level system now in place, which most experts agree has saved countless millions of lives.
To help the economy stay "strong and vibrant", Mr. Bush proposed that Congress enact a monthly shopping day called "Christmall", in order to "stimulate our New Economy every New Moon". Intended as a monthly "Christmas Lite", Christmall will, according to the President, have a different theme each month -- January: buy gifts for black friends, February, buy gifts for all those we love, March, buy gifts for Irish friends, April, buy gifts for friends who didn't get a tax refund, May, buy memorial gifts for those friends who have family that died in war, June, buy gifts for those just married, July, buy gifts for your most patriotic friends, and so on.
Although new programs was his main focus, Bush also insisted he will reduce the massive, record-breaking, back-breaking deficit. The President's top cost cutting proposal: move our boys from Iraq right over to Iran for the next war, without wasting funds on bringing them home and then shipping 'em out again. "Imagine the savings!" Bush quipped, which led ailing Chief Justice Rehnquist to laugh so hard he had to be removed on a stretcher.
Despite the Rehnquist flap, it was a passionate and moving 20 minute speech, according to the Christian campaign contributors in attendance. In wrapping up, Bush thanked members of his base and other supporters that helped him ride to "a massive 53 percent majority mandate" -- including conservative Christians, evangelical Christians, and God. Condoleeza Rice and Leeza Gibbons then sang a duet version of "Let The Eagle Soar", outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft's touching song of freedom, as 1000 bald eagles and endangered condors were let loose over the throngs of crying Christians. All in all, it was $14 million well spent, indeed.
The President outlined several key proposals for his second term, which W dubbed "The Bush Push". This Push must be passed, he said, "not just 'cause I think it's a just cause, but 'cause the Lord just told me it's a just cause". His broad and ambitious list of action items include:
* Operation Here We Go Again:
The Search for Nukes In Iran
* Reducing Taxes
* Expanding Texas
* Privatizing Social Security
* Privatizing Homeland Security
* Privatizing Iraqi Prison Security
* Ban on Gay Marriage
* Ban on Gay Dating
* Ban on Gay Flirting
* Ban on Gay Handshakes
* Ban on Stem Cell Phone Research
* Ban on Teaching Evolution
except when it harms the health of the teacher
* Ban on the Democratic Party
New technology is also on the President's second term agenda. High on his wish list, said Bush, is the "Democracy Wand", which, once waived over a nation, will transform it into a democratic society. It is believed to be several years away from fruition. Mr. Bush also called for increased funding for NASA, to search for Christian life on Mars.
In perhaps his most memorable phrase, The President also introduced a bold new Bush Doctrine: "America can do unto others whatever we wish to do unto them". Later in the speech, he stated the Doctrine another way: "We shall do unto others before they do unto us".
Bush also reached out to black voters, on this Martin Luther King holiday week, by launching his new "I Have A Dream House" initiative, providing credits to black citizens to help them buy their first home, provided they first prove their Christian faith by living for a year as a white man's slave. "After such proof of their faith in Jesus, we shall verily provide bountiful tax credits to help such people of color buy a dream house" -- where, the President joked, "they may be fruitful and, God willing, not multiply too much".
Other speech highlights included a long-anticipated call for a National Jew Not Call List... proposed tax relief for those making over $100,000 a year who have suffered too great a reduction in tax... and a bill that would seek Reparations for millionaires who lost money in the "sinful stock market crash". Homeland security was also addressed: after invoking the phrase "9/11" a record 58 times, Bush proposed that airlines adopt a Facial Color Alert system, "inspired by" the current color-coded danger level system now in place, which most experts agree has saved countless millions of lives.
To help the economy stay "strong and vibrant", Mr. Bush proposed that Congress enact a monthly shopping day called "Christmall", in order to "stimulate our New Economy every New Moon". Intended as a monthly "Christmas Lite", Christmall will, according to the President, have a different theme each month -- January: buy gifts for black friends, February, buy gifts for all those we love, March, buy gifts for Irish friends, April, buy gifts for friends who didn't get a tax refund, May, buy memorial gifts for those friends who have family that died in war, June, buy gifts for those just married, July, buy gifts for your most patriotic friends, and so on.
Although new programs was his main focus, Bush also insisted he will reduce the massive, record-breaking, back-breaking deficit. The President's top cost cutting proposal: move our boys from Iraq right over to Iran for the next war, without wasting funds on bringing them home and then shipping 'em out again. "Imagine the savings!" Bush quipped, which led ailing Chief Justice Rehnquist to laugh so hard he had to be removed on a stretcher.
Despite the Rehnquist flap, it was a passionate and moving 20 minute speech, according to the Christian campaign contributors in attendance. In wrapping up, Bush thanked members of his base and other supporters that helped him ride to "a massive 53 percent majority mandate" -- including conservative Christians, evangelical Christians, and God. Condoleeza Rice and Leeza Gibbons then sang a duet version of "Let The Eagle Soar", outgoing Attorney General John Ashcroft's touching song of freedom, as 1000 bald eagles and endangered condors were let loose over the throngs of crying Christians. All in all, it was $14 million well spent, indeed.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
BEST FAMOUS-LAST-WORDS SITE + BEST DYING LINES
by Don Rose
I truly enjoyed the BRAIN CANDY webpage on famous dying words -- and I'd like to give kudos to some of the best lines, uttered by a few famous folks as they were becoming dearly departed:
BEST IRONY
Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
~~ John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)
BEST "FIGHT TO THE END" LINE
Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789
BEST TENSION-CUTTING JOKE
Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964
BEST GREEDY BASTARD
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891
BEST IRONY, RUNNERUP
I can't sleep.
~~ James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937
BEST ARROGANT YET AFFABLE LINE
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942
BEST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS
I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702
BEST PRECURSOR TO MONTY PYTHON
I am still alive!
Stabbed to death by his own guards - (as reported by Roman historian Tacitus)
~~ Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, d.41 AD
BEST ATTEMPT TO AVOID HEAVEN
Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977
BEST OFFER
All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603
BEST PROOF THAT FEELINGS ARE NOT THAT RELIABLE
I've never felt better.
~~ Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, d. December 12, 1939
BEST QUIP FROM A SCIENCE GENIUS
I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988
BEST SUMMARY JUDGEMENT
I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959
BEST "HUH?"
A dying man can do nothing easy.
~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790
BEST LEGEND KNOWING HE'S A LEGEND LINE
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967
BEST USE OF MODESTY
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519
BEST LINE THAT WAS REWRITTEN INTO A CLASSIC
Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
When asked if he thought dying was tough.
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959
BEST IRONY, PART THREE
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864
BEST LACK OF POSTHUMOUS EMBELLISHMENT
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923
BEST LEARY STATEMENT DEPARTING
Why not? Yeah.
~~ Timothy Leary, d. May 31, 1996
BEST PATRIOTIC PARTING
Is it the Fourth?
~~ Thomas Jefferson, US President, d. July 4, 1826
BEST COMING FULL CIRCLE
I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953
BEST REFUSAL TO UTTER LAST WORDS (a.k.a. BEST PARADOX)
Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883
BEST PARADOX, RUNNERUP
I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885
(What I HOPED Vic had said:
"I feel less miserable"
After being given some medicine)
And now... what you've all been dying for...
The Rose Review's pick for the ultimate last line...
BEST DYING LINE EVER
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900
I truly enjoyed the BRAIN CANDY webpage on famous dying words -- and I'd like to give kudos to some of the best lines, uttered by a few famous folks as they were becoming dearly departed:
BEST IRONY
Thomas Jefferson--still survives...
~~ John Adams, US President, d. July 4, 1826
(Actually, Jefferson had died earlier that same day.)
BEST "FIGHT TO THE END" LINE
Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
~~ Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789
BEST TENSION-CUTTING JOKE
Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
~~ Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964
BEST GREEDY BASTARD
How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?
~~ P. T. Barnum, entrepreneur, d. 1891
BEST IRONY, RUNNERUP
I can't sleep.
~~ James M. Barrie, author, d. 1937
BEST ARROGANT YET AFFABLE LINE
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
~~ John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942
BEST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS
Friends applaud, the comedy is finished.
~~ Ludwig van Beethoven, composer, d. March 26, 1827
LEAST POETIC LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS
Ah, that tastes nice. Thank you.
~~ Johannes Brahms, composer, d. April 3, 1897
SCARIEST LINE FROM A MUSICAL GENIUS
The earth is suffocating . . . Swear to make them cut me open, so that I won't be buried alive.
Dying of tuberculosis.
~~ Frederic Chopin, composer, d. October 16, 1849
BEST TOUGHGUY JOKE
I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
~~ Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957
I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
~~ Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702
BEST PRECURSOR TO MONTY PYTHON
I am still alive!
Stabbed to death by his own guards - (as reported by Roman historian Tacitus)
~~ Gaius Caligula, Roman Emperor, d.41 AD
BEST ATTEMPT TO AVOID HEAVEN
Damn it . . . Don't you dare ask God to help me.
To her housekeeper, who had begun to pray aloud.
~~ Joan Crawford, actress, d. May 10, 1977
BEST OFFER
All my possessions for a moment of time.
~~ Elizabeth I, Queen of England, d. 1603
BEST PROOF THAT FEELINGS ARE NOT THAT RELIABLE
I've never felt better.
~~ Douglas Fairbanks, Sr., actor, d. December 12, 1939
BEST QUIP FROM A SCIENCE GENIUS
I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
~~ Richard Feynman, physicist, d. 1988
BEST SUMMARY JUDGEMENT
I've had a hell of a lot of fun and I've enjoyed every minute of it.
~~ Errol Flynn, actor, d. October 14, 1959
BEST "HUH?"
A dying man can do nothing easy.
~~ Benjamin Franklin, statesman, d. April 17, 1790
BEST LEGEND KNOWING HE'S A LEGEND LINE
I know you have come to kill me. Shoot coward, you are only going to kill a man.
Facing his assassin, Mario Teran, a Bolivian soldier.
~~ Ernesto "Che" Guevara, d. October 9, 1967
BEST USE OF MODESTY
I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.
~~ Leonardo da Vinci, artist, d. 1519
BEST LINE THAT WAS REWRITTEN INTO A CLASSIC
Yes, it's tough, but not as tough as doing comedy.
When asked if he thought dying was tough.
~~ Edmund Gwenn, actor, d. September 6, 1959
BEST IRONY, PART THREE
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist. . . .
Killed in battle during US Civil War.
~~ General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, d. 1864
BEST LACK OF POSTHUMOUS EMBELLISHMENT
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
~~ Pancho Villa, Mexican revolutionary, d. 1923
BEST LEARY STATEMENT DEPARTING
Why not? Yeah.
~~ Timothy Leary, d. May 31, 1996
BEST PATRIOTIC PARTING
Is it the Fourth?
~~ Thomas Jefferson, US President, d. July 4, 1826
BEST COMING FULL CIRCLE
I knew it. I knew it. Born in a hotel room - and God damn it - died in a hotel room.
~~ Eugene O'Neill, writer, d. November 27, 1953
BEST REFUSAL TO UTTER LAST WORDS (a.k.a. BEST PARADOX)
Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough.
To his housekeeper, who urged him to tell her his last words so she could write them down for posterity.
~~ Karl Marx, revolutionary, d. 1883
BEST PARADOX, RUNNERUP
I see black light.
~~ Victor Hugo, writer, d. May 22, 1885
(What I HOPED Vic had said:
"I feel less miserable"
After being given some medicine)
And now... what you've all been dying for...
The Rose Review's pick for the ultimate last line...
BEST DYING LINE EVER
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.
~~ Oscar Wilde, writer, d. November 30, 1900
